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Breaking Down Barriers: BDSM is more than Stereotypes, Part 2

Yet another comically bad stereotype: BDSM practitioners are all damaged people seeking out other damaged people.

People from happy, healthy upbringings and those with more difficult origins are all involved in BDSM. People from every walk of life & every background can be found in BDSM. Everyone is welcome. It’s one of the most diverse cross-sections of humanity you can imagine, and because of that, yes–some practitioners had rough experiences along the way, and others haven’t.

BDSM is not a haven for the broken, and it’s not an elitist club for only those who’ve led charmed lives–it is a lifestyle and play outlet for consenting adults; regardless of our varied experiences.

As for why we do this?

I honestly believe it’s because we’re born this way. Just like some of us are born straight, gay, bi, ect…. BDSM fulfills a need, a want, a desire, and compulsion that NOTHING else can. It can also provide structure, catharsis, liberation, discipline, inspiration, peace, and euphoria, among other things. Dom/mes and subs are two halves of the same coin, and we are all seeking the other half to unleash our full potential. It doesn’t necessarily have to be in a romantic or soulmate sense (though some of the luckiest among us have found that). Together, we bring out aspects of ourselves we may not be able to share with others; liberate ourselves from the pressure of what we think society wants us to be and are instead who we truly are; and can bring out the best in each other.

Something else you’re probably not seeing that often in the stereotype tidal waves of tumblr & the twitterverse?

The backbone of BSDM is Trust, Respect, and Communication. The uber aggressive Male Dom and his ultra masochistic female sub is a tiny, miniscule, itty bitty blip on a much larger spectrum and continuum of kinks and their participants. It’s far broader, more inclusive, and more dynamic than you could ever hope to know from the outside looking in–so why not join the party? 😉


 

Breaking Down Barriers: BDSM is more than Stereotypes, Part 1

Not All Doms are men, not all subs are female, and not all Dominatrices wear leather & latex.

Femdom Mistress LillyIf you’ve found my blog, you’ve already got a leg up on awareness of other dynamics in BDSM. True, most of the stuff you’ll find online features male doms & female subs, but BDSM is far more inclusive than you might initially think. Anyone, regardless of gender identity, sexuality, ethnicity, ect… is welcome, and individuals of any persuasion or inclination can be found on either side of the whip (or the kneel). A Dominatrix could be every bit as likely to wear a crop top & capris as full-on fetish gear, or even fuzzy bunny slippers if the mood strikes. A lot of the beauty in BDSM is the freedom to express yourself how you want, whether that’s defying traditional gender roles, embracing them, or having a fluid dynamic that shifts with the mood of the participants involved.

Another stereotype that is Absolute crap? Submission = Weakness

Not all male Doms are brutal, and not all female Dommes are sweet (ha!)—but the one thing that’s NEVER true: ‘submissives are weak’. Say that out loud at a BDSM gathering, and if you manage to leave without the Dom/mes verbally (or otherwise) flaying you limb from limb, it’s only because the subs have beaten them to it.

Submissives are incredibly strong, and incredibly selective. For my subbies reading this who’ve yet to consciously acknowledge their strength, consider this: It takes an immense amount of courage to place yourself into the care of another human being, to voluntarily surrender, and to trust your partner not only with your safety, but with your mind, body, and your most private wants and desires. Submissives choose who to grace with their service, and what they’re willing to explore. Dom/mes operate within those limits, and the submissive can end the scene at any time.

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Are Safewords Absolute? Even For a Sadist?

Listening to Safewords is NOT optional. It’s mandatory.

Some background— a submissive was looking for advice. I felt this issue is important enough to warrant signal boosting for anyone who might be in a similar situation, so I’m sharing my response here.  They are having an issue with a Dom who has recently started ignoring safewords. Their Dom is sadistic, and when the sub brought up the fact that they are getting hurt, suffering panic attacks, and having massive depression as a result of being pushed to the point of using the safeword—AND THE DOM KEPT GOING— the Dom said, “I’m a sadist, it’s just what we do.”

Bullshit.

Speaking as a Domme who IS a sadist:

Hell yes, I love inflicting pain and agony–but a safeword is a fucking safeword. I never ignore it, and NEVER push a sub beyond it. I don’t give a shit that there might be a part of me that wants to keep going– the person who trusts me, and put their life and safety in my hands is telling me they’ve had enough.

As someone who has helped put subs back together again after abusive relationships, the ‘Dom’s’ behavior is sending up multiple indicators of a toxic & abusive relationship.

From what the sub said, here are the red flags that stuck out the most:

1. He was possibly always upfront about being a sadistic Dom, but ignoring safewords is new.

2. He waited until the sub was emotionally & physically invested in the relationship BEFORE piling on the abuse.

3. He ignores the sub’s SAFEWORD. This has ZERO place in kink. Ever. I don’t give a shit if he’s the most sadistic sadist who ever tried the Lifestyle, sadists are not exempt from safewords. It is not what we do.

4. He has continued abusing the sub after they safeword to the point they have panic attacks & extreme depression for days—meaning he literally does not care if they live or die. Aftercare is not a remedy for pushing someone until they break–and that ‘Dom’ has done it again, and again, and again.

5. He had a ready excuse & gaslighting available when they called him on his behavior— essentially: “This is who I’ve always been, you’re the one with the problem.” Subtext: he isn’t doing anything wrong; they’re the one that’s behaving badly by not being sub enough to take what their Dom dishes out. Fuck that deflecting douche-baggery with a tequila-drenched cactus dildo wrapped in rusted barbwire.

This tells me his behavior isn’t an accident. It’s intentional, and it’s deliberate.

He is an abuser who gave them the honeymoon phase and set them up for the fall–and they were smart enough to realize something isn’t right. He’s now trying to blame them for his behavior, make it seem like it’s somehow their fault, or their inadequacies, when the truth is: He’s an ABUSIVE asshole who isn’t fit to Dom a fencepost, let alone a human being. If you are in a situation like that one, I’ll give you the same advice I gave that sub:

Do not fall for it, do not believe it, and get the hell out. Please.

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The Danger of Having “No Limits” Part 2

“No limits” is a dangerous phrase for anyone to use.

(Catch up on Part 1 here) If you come across a Dominant who says they have no limits; or worse, they’re looking for a sub with no limits– RUN the other way. This is frequently language that predatory abusers use when prowling for new and inexperienced victims under the guise of BDSM…but they have no respect for the sub in question, and less regard for their safety. A sub who blithely declares “I have no limits” will likely encounter more than a few of these psuedo Dom/mes trying to take advantage of a situation. Don’t be that sub. Put some thought into the things you like, the things you might like to experiment with, and the things you know you NEVER want to try.

Having limits & Knowing what they are is VITAL to having the best experience in BDSM.

Not every Dom/me will be a good fit for every submissive, just as not every submissive is a good fit for every Dom/me. However, knowing what kinks you have in common, letting your Dominant know which kinks you might be willing to try, and which ones you know you will NEVER want to attempt gives a much better framework for guiding you on your journey as a submissive. Used along with safewords, that knowledge gives your Dominant an idea of how best to play with you and make the most of your gift of submission, without taking things in a direction you never intended, and never wanted to go.

Don’t tell me you have no limits & expect a gold star.

Tell me what they are, and I’ll be much more impressed. Knowing your limits shows me you have enough regard in yourself to realize your own worth (and there’s no value in owning something that’s worthless), that you’ve put some thought into it, and it gives me a better idea of how best to play with you & use you. In short: Limits rock; never be afraid of having them or saying what they are.

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The Danger of Having “No Limits”, Part 1

There are some things I dread hearing as a Mistress.

One of the biggest ones is a submissive eagerly telling me “I have no limits.” This is literally one of the most dangerous things anyone who’s into BDSM can say, and why I strongly discourage anyone from saying it. I’m not sure where the perception of saying “I have no limits” as though it’s a good thing, a badge of honor, or a mark in your favor for consideration in serving a Dominant comes from, but please, please, for the love of all that’s safe, sane, and consensual: STOP.

EVERYONE has limits.

Some aren’t into pain, some aren’t into humiliation, orientation play, bondage, CBT, or extreme activities–but the point is: EVERYONE has something they’re not into, and everyone has something they will never enjoy. You wouldn’t jump off a cliff, starve yourself for a week, or commit a violent crime just because someone told you to–or if you would, you seriously need to re-examine your self-worth, respect, and esteem.

A sissy who goes into raptures at the thought of being my cosseted little fuck doll with all the pinafores, stuffies, and cum out parties her holes can handle might bolt fast enough for her Mary Janes to kick her little pantied ass on the way out if I suggested zapping her with a cattle prod, scouring her clitty with steel wool, dousing it in salt and rubbing alcohol, then stomping on it with my stainless steel spike heeled stilettos. An extreme CBT addict might nearly cum at the thought of that much agony, but if I told him there wouldn’t be any pain today–just ribbons and petticoats & tea parties while I sang him a lullaby and called him a good girl, he’d pack up his cattle prod and steel toed boots  and march off to find a sadist that knew what to do with masochistic man who wasn’t into feminization.

The point is: everyone has their kinks, and the things that leave them cold.

Everyone has things that make them excited and send a tidal wave of desire, anticipation, and adrenaline racing through their  veins–just like everyone has things they’d just as soon never experience due to distaste, fear, absolute disinterest, or any number of other reasons. NO ONE has the right to tell you your limits aren’t valid, or that having limits somehow makes you “less” of a submissive than one who either doesn’t know any better, or doesn’t value themselves highly enough to have them.  It’s your body, your choice, and only YOU get to decide what is done to it, who gets to use it, and how.

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Not All Safewords are Verbal: A PSA by Mistress Lilly

Safewords are vitally important to a scene, but they’re not always said out loud.

For many submissives, bottoms, Tops, and Dom/mes, the stoplight system of “Green” = everything’s good, “Yellow” = proceed with caution & slow down, you’re approaching a limit, and “Red” = whatever you’re doing, STOP NOW! works great. I’m . . . → Read More: Not All Safewords are Verbal: A PSA by Mistress Lilly


 

New Year, New Adventures

My trip to Australia was mind-blowing, unforgettable, epic, and I’ll be giving more details in the weeks to come—but right now, I want to share a little bit about what’s been keeping this particular Femdom preoccupied recently:

Naughty and Nice and a Whole Lotta Spice…

I’ve got incredible news for . . . → Read More: New Year, New Adventures


 

Mistress Lilly Loves CBT

There are few things I adore more than a good ball-busting session.

The whimpers and groans of pain, the convulsive racking of your body as you choke back bile from a particularly well-placed blow, the stifled, gagging sobs as you struggle not to collapse in a shuddering heap while your groin is . . . → Read More: Mistress Lilly Loves CBT


 

Ms. Lilly’s Adrenaline Pumping Australian Adventures

Goddess Gone Walkabout Oct 28th-Nov 16th

Hi Subbies–I’m still Down Under, but I wanted to let you know about some of the other fabulous things James and I will be doing while we’re here. In my last post, I mentioned how we’ve scuba dived at several locations in the Great Barrier reef . . . → Read More: Ms. Lilly’s Adrenaline Pumping Australian Adventures


 

Mistress Lilly’s Great Barrier Reef Scuba Diving Pilgrimage

Great Barrier Reef: Going Walkabout on the Water

Hi subbies! Don’t worry that you won’t see me on for calls for a while–I’m on my way to the other side of the world for the vacation of a lifetime with my fiance James! We’ll be gone for just over two weeks, so . . . → Read More: Mistress Lilly’s Great Barrier Reef Scuba Diving Pilgrimage