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A Non-Binary Narrative of My Own Experiences

Mistress LillyI’ve been debating how & when to post something like this…

And with the different types of incendiary rhetoric floating around these days; now seems as good a time as ever to state my piece calmly, collectedly, and hopefully, with some degree of eloquence. The pursuit of understanding and tolerance is never more important than when those traits are highly conspicuous by their absence, and I’m writing this to assure anyone who comes across this blog that you’ve found a safe haven in me.

My own non-binary identity

I’m a demi-romantic pansexual monogamous Femdom & sadist. I will more frequently identify as Bi to someone who asks if I feel inclined to give a response, simply because it’s simpler, less invasive, and easier for others to understand than explaining Dominance and sadism is my primary sexuality—I don’t feel the desire for sex with someone unless & until I’m in love with them; I am exclusive to that individual; and I am capable of being attracted to a person regardless their gender, sexual genitalia, biological sex, outward appearance or sexuality.

It took me years to come to terms with the truth of my identity.

I grew up in a highly conservative part of the Bible Belt; and when I was much younger, before I learned that “Dominant” did not equal “Male”, I was convinced that I’d been born with the wrong parts. I wanted to be the Prince rescuing the Damsel in Distress, I wanted to be the hero, the althete, the pilot. I was the leader and the protector–whether it was scouts, school projects, or just getting into mischief. I stood up to bullies even if I wasn’t the one being picked on. I didn’t want to play with dolls; I built things, set a few things on fire, and dreamed about exploring the Stars as captain of my own Deep Space crew. I loved going fishing, hiking, camping, exploring…and I hated tea parties.

I grew up gender policed & swamped by gender norms that all said boys could do the things I loved and wanted; while girls shouldn’t and couldn’t.

It wasn’t until I broadened my horizons and had greater life experiences that I realized what I loved and wanted had NOTHING to do with gender, and EVERYTHING to do with who I was a person. Perhaps as a reflection of that, who I’m attracted to has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with who that individual is as a person. I am Dominant. I am a sadist. I am a Tomboy who also adores getting girly. I am female, and it’s been just shy of a decade since I felt like I was born with the ‘wrong parts’. I am at peace with who I am, and I would love to help you on your  own journey towards the truest version of yourself, whatever form that takes.

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12 comments to A Non-Binary Narrative of My Own Experiences

  • Ms Lilly- I really enjoyed reading this! I am similar in a few ways, raised to be feminine, tomboy at heart, not sure how the pieces fit together until I was a bit older. Once I included exploring my sexuality as a means to understanding myself, things became more clear about who I am. I too enjoy the calls where we can be a sounding board for someone on a journey of exploration, still dancing at the edge of change, or being witness when a caller takes a big leap and soars!

  • Lovegood

    Next question 😀 A sadist is defined as, a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

    2.a person who enjoys being cruel.

    Is this correct? I love being controlled but dont want to be degraded or humiliated .

  • mike

    I really appreciated that you were willing to post something like this. How great. I think this subject is endlessly fascinating to us as a species. I have to say that there are things inside me that I did not know were there until I stumbled on them. I relate to the idea that it can take years. I wish I could have found some of these things earlier or at least known of them but I am grateful for what I have found now.

    I am “the opposite” though strong and competent professionally – quite meek and submissive inside myself. Early in life I “ran into” some dominant women (girls really) and I noticed something in terms of my reaction. I was always just viscerally drawn to dominant females – it is like so, so deep. I think perhaps only once in real time did I have a sadist for a girlfriend. I was stunned by her and the feelings and depth of the experience was simply like nothing I had ever known. I had always thought a lot of the BDSM stuff was more “play” but this was different. I felt like I connected on the deepest of levels with the idea of being “owned” by a female. Life went on normally in terms of work and existence but she had an effect on me that I don’t think I will ever truly understand. It was not just a “mind thing” – when she told me to do something I literally felt as though I had no choice. I am rambling on but thank you for your post – so great.

    • Lilly

      Thank you mike–both for the compliment, and for sharing.

      You are entirely correct: the depth of the experience when you find someone with whom you can be romantically involved AND share your kinks is like nothing else on this earth. It’s a living testament to this person seeing you–ALL of you (even the bits you’ve always believed you had to hide from Society at large)–and loving it. There is something viscerally powerful about that, something instinctual, and when we come across someone with whom we can share not just our hearts, minds, or bodies, but also the deepest, most hidden parts of our souls…well, THAT is something I believe everyone with a craving or hardwiring for kink is searching for, whether we realize it or not. The trick is to find it.

  • 💘 lovegood

    Hi, great post but Im confused , if your asexual unless you are in love, how can you work in such a sexual environment and enjoy your work?

  • Empress:

    I for one appreciate this post for it provides me more and deeper insite into the one that owns my mind and body. Thank you and knowing this is just more evidence that you love James and that he is one blessed man to have you.

    Love ya,

    Jizzelle

    • Lilly

      (((Hugs))) That’s very sweet of you Jizzelle, and I’m glad to know you enjoyed my post. PS: James agrees with you 100% 😉 –thank you for stopping by!

  • Emily

    As sexy as you are I find that hard to believe but at least you dealt with it . I hope you are happy now . I wish I was as sexual as you are .

    • Lilly

      Thank you Emily; I am happy now 🙂 As far as wanting to be as sexual as I am…that’s a unique choice. The sadistic & Dominant parts of my sexuality have always been in hyperdrive; but when it comes to the physical act of making love/ having sex, there is whole world of sensation, desire, lust, and climax that simply doesn’t even EXIST for me unless I’m in love. That whole part of my being is dormant, and I feel nothing.

      As odd as it may sound, with the exception of Domination & sadism, I am completely asexual unless I’m in love—and when I am in love, the focus of all of that lust, desire, and craving for intimacy is solely on the person I’m in love with. It’s very much a feast or famine type of sexuality.

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